Reviews by mhthehammer

In the early 2000’s, I didn’t have Nickelodeon or any of the popular cable networks, so I didn’t grow up watching “Avatar: the Last Airbender.” However, I will still take a look at M. Night Shyamalan’s The Last Airbender as its own movie. Sokka (Jackson Rathbone) and Katara (Nicola Peltz) are two waterbenders who discover Aang (Noah Ringer), the last living Avatar, frozen in ice in the Southern Water Tribe. In his journey, Aang must master all four elements to overthrow the Fire Nation and stop them from enslaving the Water Tribe and Earth Kingdom. Without going too deep into the comparison between this and the cartoon, let’s examine how you summarize Season 1 and make it one of the most boring films ever made. First, M. Night Shyamalan’s script consists of nothing but characters citing exposition without emotional address, lacking depth or visual flair. Second, condensing a full episodic series into a two hour long film makes the result too cluttered, unfocused, and slow, much like David Lynch’s Dune. Third, the majority of the action sequences are shot in one take in slow motion, focusing more on body movements and computer effects rather than dramatic tension or suspense. Finally, the actors perform their parts in a blank manner, probably because Shyamalan’s deadwood dialogue tree gives them nothing to work with thus the characters feel empty. Judging by how much backlash it got in 2010 and also how irritatingly dull and soulless is, I can probably thank The Last Airbender for making me want to watch “Avatar: The Last Airbender” more.

(1 ½ CGI Appas out of 5)
(FWI, I did watch the first three episodes of the cartoon show not long ago and they were really good.)

Michael Bay has resurrected the Transformers franchise with his mega-blockbuster hit in 2007. Two years later that success has remained the same, except the sequel Revenge of the Fallen was not so critically well-received. Years after the first movie, Sam (Shia LaBoeuf) gains visions of Cybertronian codes from a tiny AllSpark shard and is pursued by the Decepticons, under the command of The Fallen. During one battle, Optimus Prime (Peter Cullen) dies, leaving it up to Sam, his girlfriend Mikaela (Megan Fox), his college roommate Leo (Ramon Rodriguez), and former agent Seymour Simmons (John Turturro) to retrieve the Matrix of Leadership in Egypt to revive the last living Prime Autobot. Transformers fans pick on Revenge of the Fallen for the tremendous amount of continuity errors, plot holes, and dumb stereotypes. I say that’s true, except this is a movie based on a line of Hasbro toys directed by a man less concerned with story and more with spectacle. With that said, Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen is a noisy technical exercise with an overly complicated story, annoyingly stupid characters like Sam’s bipolar mother (Julie White), and way too much bathroom humor even for a film aimed at teenagers. On a positive note, the visual effects are the best parts in it, not just from the pyrotechnics, dust bombs, and explosions, but the mathematics on the light and shadows on the giant robots. Beyond that, you know how P.T. Barnum coined the phrase, “a sucker is born every minute?” Well, Michael is the modern day equivalent of that because Revenge of the Fallen and the other Transformers movies that followed get worse and worse, yet they keep shaving more green skins.

(2 Dogs Humping out of 5)

From the 90’s up until the 2000’s, Mike Myers has become a giant name in comedy, landing in successes like the Wayne’s World, Austin Powers and Shrek franchises. But soon after, people got tired of his shtick really fast after seeing the ultimate sunken ship of his career, The Love Guru. This story about Maurice Pitka (Mike Myers), the Hollywood sex guru one star below Deepak Chopra, who’s tasked to retie a knot between Maple Leaf player Darren Roanoke (Romany Malco) and his wife Prudence (Meagan Good) in order to win the Stanley Cup, became a box office and critical flop in 2008. Seeing this movie today, it’s hard not to miss why. Unlike Myers’s previous characters, Maurice doesn’t have much of a personality, aside from a bad Indian stereotype who spouts out preschool-level bathroom humor and even worse sexual double entendres. As for the supporting cast, Jessica Alba looks like she’s waiting in line for the catering table as the Leafs manager and cookie-cutter love interest Jane. Academy Award winner Ben Kingsley is watching his career slowly wilting as the cross-eyed elder guru Tugginmypudha. Verne Troyer is once again type-casted as the punchline for jokes about… you know what, as well as Coach Cherkov. The movie also features an odd line of celebrity cameos from Val Kilmer, Mariska Hargitay, and Kanye West, who are all identified by name, which ruins the joke of a cameo. As far as career-ruining pictures as concerned, The Love Guru is one unfunny dead zone.

(1 ½ D.R.A.M.A.TM Tattoos out of 5)

In this psychological thriller, Aubrey Fleming (Lindsay Lohan) is abducted and tortured by a serial killer. Meanwhile, her twin sister, Dakota Moss (also Lohan) wakes up in a hospital and discovers mysterious wounds on her right hand and right leg, before solving the mystery of her killer, Aubrey’s piano tutor Mr. Norquist. Atop of the recycled murder mystery plot, those ridiculous blue operating tools, the goofy gore scenes, and the ludicrously preposterous twin stigmata syndrome, here are some of the billion plot holes that earned I Know Who Killed Me its eight Razzies. If Aubrey was buried during the investigation, then why isn’t Dakota slowly rotting away like real corpses? In fact, wouldn’t she be out of breath by the time she got to the killer’s house? For that matter, if Aubrey and Dakota are twins, how could their parents (Julia Ormond and Neal McDonough) not recognize her when Dakota walked in? How did Aubrey’s dad end up from the cemetery to a coffin in the killer’s lab within ten minutes? If the impact of one twin affects another twin, did Aubrey feel anything down there when Dakota had sex with her boyfriend Jerrod (Brian Geraghty)? And most importantly, why aren’t the FBI agents brought into the case again even after Norquist died? I Know Who Killed Me is an extremely stupid movie with not much thrills and a lot more laughs.

(1 Blue Rose Bouquet out of 5)

Lethal weapon Catherine Tramell is back with a sequel to the 1992 hit neo-noir Basic Instinct. Years later, the sexy blonde viper (Sharon Stone) lands in London where she pays daily visits to Dr. Michael Glass (David Morrissey) and once again plays a series of mind tricks with him. Dr. Glass is left with conflict between having sexual relations with her and arresting her for the murders of Adam Towers (Hugh Dancy), Denise (Indira Varma), and Roy Washburn (David Thewlis). Despite having the similar plot, this movie holds accountable for some of the silliest moments in the series. Unlike the previous film where she mostly used an ice pick to murder her victims, in Basic Instinct 2, Catherine drives over 100 mph in a car with Kevin (Stan Collymore) masturbating her and drowns the car into the Thames. This over-the-top murder method might fit more in a parody of the first movie and makes her seem like a sleazy B-movie villain. Furthermore, how nobody in Scotland Yard can be immediately suspicious about her and arrest her after she killed Kevin is anybody’s case. Even the ending was a bit cheap and hokey, with Dr. Glass getting arrested and taken to a mental ward. Instead of killing him like she did in the last film, she leaves him her bestseller and some more predatory manipulation. Basic Instinct 2 is nothing more than a lame sequel with very little suspense and not much erotic undercurrent.

(1 ½ Chinese Dominatrices out of 5)

Dirty Love is without any doubt one of the worst things I have ever seen, period. Rebecca Sommers (Jenny McCarthy) discovers her boyfriend having an affair and her life falls apart. Fearing for her ticking biological clock, Rebecca asks her friends Carrie (Kam Heskin) and Michelle (Carmen Electra) her problem and they hook her up with various dates, including a geeky film director, an ecstasy-ridden fish fetishist and a self-centered magician. As I said before, I hated this movie more than any movie in the four weeks I’ve been watching these Razzie winners. I hated it because the main character was annoying, stupid, and unlikable, the Los Angeles stereotypes were horrifically dreadful (especially Electra’s offensive blackface ratchet voice), the direction and editing were beyond atrociously incompetent and lazy, the cinematography makes a lesser community college student’s film project look Oscar-worthy, and the pre-adolescent gross-out humor comes off as unpleasant. I was also personally offended at the end when Rebecca turned down a kiss from John (Eddie Kay Thomas) after he purchased a new set of camera equipment for her future career. The man practiced hard and long to confess his love for her, punched her ex in the face, and even sold one of his collector’s guitars to buy all this expensive stuff and this dumbass broad still sees no spark in him. That’s not asking for consent, that’s selfishly asking him to back off because she’s still “not ready”. Dirty Love is beyond a nightmare everyone thinks a chick flick or romantic comedy is. It’s a divorce settlement and breakup solution for all couples who hate their spouses or dates.

(1/2 Giant Plate of Ice Cream Sundae out of 5)

You know how audiences dismiss DC’s Extended Universe movies? Well, these kids have never seen arguably the most miraculously terrible and disappointing waste of opportunity that is Catwoman, an origin story which was supposed to be for the DC villain like what Joker did far better fifteen years later. However, this one features Patience Phillips (Halle Berry), a cosmetology graphics designer who gets killed in the sewers, brought back to life by cats, and discovers her new identity as Catwoman. However, the owners George and Laurel Hedare (Lambert Wilson and Sharon Stone), who discover Patience still alive, want to wipe her out from existence once again, label her as the villain, and launch their makeup that hardens skin. Unlike Joker where his progression toward evil, violence, and anarchy deemed believable, Catwoman’s villainous motives aren’t at all clear as throughout the film she utters insufferable cat puns, does all sorts of obvious cat-like behavior (i.e. eating canned tuna, sniffing catnip, making purring sounds, and landing on her feet), and dates the oblivious cop Tom Lone (Benjamin Bratt). Speaking of, how can this guy not figure out that Patience is also the sexy feline heroine, even though her cursive handwritings, cat-like antics, and lipstick matches are so laughably obvious? Furthermore, the movie tries too hard to be visually diverse, using way too many composite shots, ugly motion capture movements, nauseating jump cuts, and glossy metal and brass tones. With Pitof’s overabundance of style-over-substance nuance, the movie seems more like playing a Playstation 2 video game featuring one of those cube-like humanoids with triangle breasts and skimpy slutty outfits. Even as a retcon origin story about one of DC’s best Batman villains, Catwoman is one heap of kitty litter worth scooping out and dumping in the bin.

(1 White Russian [no ice, hold the vodka, hold the Kahlua] out of 5)

Did anyone ask for a Bennifer movie? Anyway, Larry “Rhymes with Really” Gigli (Ben Affleck) is a wannabe mobster who is assigned to kidnap Brian (Justin Bartha), the federal prosecutor’s mentally handicapped brother. Because Larry is such a wet sandwich gangster, he gets a surprise visit from Ricki (Jennifer Lopez) whom he resents at first, but, of course, they end up in the sack together. Things get ugly when Starkman (Al Pacino) arrives, kills Louis (Lenny Venito), and tells Larry what an embarrassment he is, but Larry and Ricki quit and take Brian to “the Baywatch”. Gigli is one of the most oddly-concocted films I have seen, with an ill-conceived story, bizarre subplots, and performances so off-collar that the actors look confused at what’s going on. Ben Affleck seems more focused on acting like an egocentric douchebag than a lesser mob man and J-Lo, despite playing a badass bodyguard, comes off as just a special needs caretaker with a hot bod. Pacino is even worse, overacting in every sentence and emphasizing every four-letter word. However, Gigli’s saving grace is Justin Bartha as Brian, who is desperate to lose his virginity yet has to take abuse from Larry in almost every scene. A very special shout-out goes to Christopher Walken and his awkwardly hilarious switch from a serious interrogation to a 20-second monologue about pie. Gigli is such an odd egg to sit through and is one of the classic examples of a bad romantic comedy.

(1 Marie Calendar Pie a la Mode out of 5)
(It’s turkey time… Gobble gobble.)

A remake of the 1974 Italian film directed by Lina Wertmuller, Swept Away follows a spoiled wealthy woman Amber (Madonna) and a Communist fisherman Giuseppe (Adriano Giannini) who go from spending days on a fancy yacht to being stranded on a Mediterranean island. While there, Giuseppe decides to gain authority and enslave Amber, because he’s tired of her berating him. I think one of the biggest issues I have with the movie is Amber, who’s too bitter and irredeemably nasty. In fact, she’s so awful that any attempt to faithfully capture the comedic tension and beauty of Wertmuller’s film comes off as unbelievably forced. Apart from Madonna’s overacting, Guy Ritchie’s take on Swept Away makes a wide series of dumb changes that ruin the chemistry of the original. In the 1974 version, Gennarino and Raffaella find a frigate in the distance, so they fight over the whistle for rescue, showing the first signs of them working off each other; later they find the island and row toward it, working together for the first time. In the remake, Amber and Giuseppe find a flare gun, fight over it before punching a hole in the raft, and they get washed away on the island. Also, in the original, after an attempted rape by Gennarino, Raffaella looks away into the bed of kelp reflecting on her decisions and, after watching Gennarino hunting, skinning and cooking a hare, she inevitably gives herself to him, hoping it would satisfy the merciless man; therefore the two engage in sexual relations later that night. In the remake, Amber looks into the campfire, watching her material world crumble, and the next day she drops the logs, kisses Giuseppe’s legs and they have sex. By making these changes, Guy Ritchie makes one of the worst remakes of all time, evaporating any levity or human connection that made Lina Wertmuller’s film funny and powerful.

(1/2 Octopus out of 5)

Before I saw it, I uttered that my least favorite movie was Tom Green’s Freddy Got Fingered, an anti-comedy with touches of gross-out humor, sexual humor, bad taste humor, jokes about child molestation, animal cruelty, animal masturbation, sexual abuse, and a whole bunch of screaming and yelling. To be fair, most of my reaction stemmed from watching reviews of other critics who extremely hated the movie. Years later, I watched the movie with a fresh pair of eyes, thinking I may have overreacted considering the awful movies I have seen. After seeing it, I said, “I don’t hate Freddy Got Fingered,” six words I swore that would have appeared in my nightmares. Gord (Tom Green) is an aspiring animator who travels to Los Angeles, doesn’t get the job, drives back, farts around in his home, quits his job as a food server, develops a relationship with Betty, a crippled girl with a rocket fetish, pitches a new show “Zebras in America”, travels to Pakistan, and all while trying to impress his father Jim (Rip Torn). Part of me got a chuckle at Green’s behavioral ham and bizarre John Waters-style cruelty, mostly from the strange repetition of quotes uttered by Green, Rip Torn, the creepy father and his son. However, for an anti-comedy that has a ton of bad taste humor, the movie could have taken more risks in the jokes. You could have Gord eating human poop, storing a bottle of horse semen in a jar and smearing it on the Dave Davidson’s (Anthony Michael Hall) desk, snorting cocaine off a fat prostitute’s buttocks, or painting hardcore porn on his house. If he was going for that Waters-style campiness and bad taste, Green should have gone to that extreme like what he did on MTV rather than play it slightly safe to increase ticket sales. With that said, I don’t know what puzzles me, my most hated movie making me laugh or the fact that Freddy Got Fingered not working because it doesn’t try to run wild enough.

(2 1/2 Elephant and Horse Cum Covered Cheese Sandwiches with Sausages on Strings out of 5)