Reviews by mhthehammer

Time for another round with the Dereks, only here we’re taking a look at their final film together, Ghosts Can’t Do It. Scott (Anthony Quinn) commits suicide after suffering from a heart attack and becomes a ghost that only his wife Katie (Bo Derek) can see. In order to become human again, Scott instructs her to kill Fausto (Leo Damian) and possess his body. After seeing this, I may now have seen a movie worse than Bolero. Whereas the latter film was laughable in its execution, Ghosts Can’t Do It, however, was plain awful all around. It completely wastes the talent of a two-time Academy Award winner and has him cracking jokes against a black sheet with wavy filters to create that “ghostly effect.” Bo Derek is even stupider and seems to take murder, rape, and suicide all too well. The dialogue is still idiotically flowery and lame, characters show up inexplicably and leave just as quick, continuity errors are all over the place, and random subplots are introduced and dropped within ten minutes. Ghosts Can’t Do It was the nail in the coffin of Bo Derek’s acting career and John Derek’s directing career and has never resurrected to the mainstream since, it was that bad. Although, it’s still not as bad as The Hottie and the Nottie.

(1/2 Black Pearl out of 5) (Also, how sad is your movie when Donald Trump gives the best performance in the movie and has only a few lines?)

Let’s educate on why the likable jerk works in the media and why The Adventures of Ford Fairlane fails on that regard. But first the story, Ford Fairlane (Andrew Dice Clay) is the womanizing “Rock n’ Roll Detective” who’s hired to investigate the murders of Bobby Black (Vince Neil), the lead singer of The Black Plague and his radio DJ best friend Johnny Crunch (Gilbert Gottfried). Most of the clues to the crime include a trio of CD’s, answers from a groupie Zuzu Petals (Maddie Corman) and wealthy socialite Colleen Sutton (Priscilla Presley), and the name ‘Art Mooney’. The important thing about despicable comedic jerks is they have connections to something relatable, in a way that reveals their attitude toward humanity. Ford’s only character traits are he loves 1950’s memorabilia, he’s a womanizer and he has a Brooklyn greaser parlance. On top of everything else, Andrew Dice Clay’s lines are mostly shock and insult comedy, which got really old really fast. Another problem may be Renny Harlin’s cinematic eye, which clearly has a forte on action and suspense rather than comedy. Because the two genres conflict each other on every scene, The Adventures of Ford Fairlane loses interest in humanity and has little time to develop other characters. To conclude, Ford Fairlane isn’t funny because he’s an archetype of other funny jerks, with little substance and no intelligence within him. It especially doesn’t work because of the director’s mistranslation of Clay’s stand up.

(1 ½ Noosed Koalas out of 5)

Star Trek has been considered a phenomenal zeitgeist series, producing a stream of hit-or-miss movies within a 50-year lifespan. Star Trek V: The Final Frontier, on the other hand, is one of those misses, done by the warped mindset of Captain James T. Kirk himself, William Shatner. The movie involves the Starship Enterprise crew who deal with Sybok (Laurence Luckinbill), the Vulcan half-brother of Dr. Spock (Leonard Nimoy), who hijacks the ship over a quest to find God at The Great Barrier. I don’t know about you, but the idea of God existing in space seems so beyond bizarre and far-fetched that you swear it reads like a ten-year-old would write on fanfiction.net, and somehow got millions of dollars to adapt to the big screen. In fact, I take that back, ten-year-olds watch sci-fi shows, so even they would have better knowledge of the franchise than the Star Trek veteran. Also, how many minor characters can you have in the first half of your movie and then completely abandon for the rest of it? It’s almost as if Shatner started with a decent scenario and jumped ship near the next scene and decided to focus on other characters and whisk away these superfluous individuals. Furthermore, the strangest, silliest, and most absurd running gag in the Star Trek series is the one where Spock fails to recognize the lyrics to “Row, Row, Row Your Boat.” Talk about a childish moment in an equally shark-jumping plot, this joke came sporadically out of nowhere and led to a laughably lackluster payoff in the end. The Final Frontier, while not the worst of the Star Trek movies, meanders into weird territory and lacks the energy and emotional stakes of the rest of the series.

(2 Three-Breasted Cat Strippers out of 5)

Brian Flannigan (Tom Cruise) is a highly successful bartender who wants to establish his own business with the help of his mentor Doug (Bryan Brown) and the Coughlin Laws. During which, Brian forms a relationship with a beautiful diner waitress Jordan (Elizabeth Shue), the daughter of a rich family in Park Avenue. The first third of Cocktail, where Brian and Doug team together to run the business, was the best part. As the two leads talked about saving money and teaching each other about bar tricks, I begged for more. Maybe they could do a cocktail recipe exam, go over protocol behind the counter, dealing with intoxicated patrons, or rehearse these bar tricks night after night. Instead, Jordan showed up and the movie switched from being a unique story about bar entrepreneurship to a generic romantic comedy full of tired clichés. The clichés are as follows: montage of their romantic date, misunderstanding leading to breakup, failed reconciliation attempts, pregnancy drop, fight with girlfriend’s father, father being a rich snob, and a marriage at the end. In fact, the plot derailed so much I almost forgot that Brian was even a bartender, let alone a business college graduate. Speaking of, did we ever see Brian graduate, excel in his studies, or what degree he mastered? Cocktail never gives us the answer because it’s too busy holding cheap romantic comedy tropes rather than establishing story arcs that matter.

(1 ½ Red Eyes out of 5)

Let me tell you the premise of this movie and comment down below if you think it sounds like an attempt to be a good movie. “Leonard Parker (Bill Cosby) comes out of retirement from owning a restaurant, reenlists in the CIA and fights the evil Medusa Johnson (Gloria Foster), her gang of animals (trout, gorillas, ostriches, etc.), and her henchmen dressed in bird costumes. With the help of an Albanian fortune teller, he uses butter, ballet shoes, and hamburger patties to fight the enemies and prevent said villain from taking over the world.” Just by reading the synopsis, you can tell that, despite his disownment from the movie and announcements for fans to not see it, no one said no to Bill Cosby when he uttered his pitch to the executives at Columbia. Saying that no one would’ve thought it was a good idea is not even enough to describe how absolutely fascinatingly bizarrely awful Leonard Part 6 is. None of the jokes work, the direction is terrible, and the weapons of choice and villain’s plot are beyond nonsensical, even by Cosby’s standards at the time. Half of the time I couldn’t comprehend her evil plan because I was distracted by the buttes of insanity and ludicrous screenwriting decisions building up simultaneously. The worst and most shameful injoke in the movie is when Leonard asks for a sandwich and a Coca-Cola in response to his daughter Allison’s (Pat Colbert) engagement to 66-year-old Giorgio Francozzi (Moses Gunn). Isn’t it hilarious because Bill Cosby was the spokesman for Coca-Cola, which owned Columbia at the time, and now he’s holding the bottle for all the few people in the theater to somewhat chuckle at? Leonard Part 6 should live as a demonstration on how not to make a comedy, a parody, a riveting action picture, or any film whatsoever.

(1/2 Flying Ostrich out of 5)

N France, Christopher (Prince) & his cousin Tricky (Jerome Benton) R gigolos who hear about a trust fund from a wealthy heiress Mary Sharon (Kristin Scott Thomas) & attract 2 her. Christopher & Mary eventually fall N love, leaving behind Tricky, who, N quarreling with envy, spills the beans about his cousin’s real intentions. Meanwhile, Mary’s parents disapprove of her new lover & want her 2 B with her fiancé N New York. Like many Prince music videos, Under the Cherry Moon has a lot of style, paying tribute to 1930’s cinema with a black-&-white filter & a screwball premise, but the movie’s plot has 2 many holes. 1st, why do these 2 low privilege guys travel 2 the Riviera 2 woo all these socialites, even though they don’t speak French & probably have super-rich housewives N America? 2nd, wouldn’t the plot B more interesting if Mary was the manipulator trying 2 steal Christopher’s property & money? 3rd, if Chris & Tricky R so desperately 4 money, then how did they fly from United States 2 France with low income? Finally, why does Isaac have hired goons? He’s not a Bond movie villain with world domination N his mind, he’s a regular person who throws dinner parties & worships his wealthy family, like most millionaire stereotypes. While it has a great soundtrack by Prince, Under the Cherry Moon is 1 example of style-over-substance.

(2 Stylized Misspellings on Napkins out of 5)

Once upon a time, Marvel’s entertainment industry was in a downward spiral, releasing bomb after bomb on television and on the big screen. Nowhere has there been a better example of this than Howard the Duck. Released under the mindset of George Lucas, this fish-out-of-water story follows the adventures of Howard, a duck-like alien, who gets transported to Earth and lands on the streets of Cleveland. There, he befriends a beautiful rock musician Beverly (Lea Thompson), who potentially becomes his love interest, and the aspired scientist Phil (Tim Robbins), who hopes to study him. The outcast duck also makes a fair share of enemies, including a group of street alley thugs, Beverly’s sleazy band manager, Japanese diner chefs who want to cook him, and a race of alien overlords, one of them possesses Dr. Jenning (Jeffrey Jones). While I will forgive the subpar ILM special effects, the creepy duck suit and the abundance of duck puns, the main problem with the movie is the inconsistent tone. The movie is too ridiculous and silly for adults and it’s too extreme and mean-spirited for children. There are far too many adult themes including Lucasfilm inside jokes, violent threats, use of profanity, alcoholism, bestiality, sexual themes and even a female duck with exposed humanlike breasts. By reading this, you guys don’t need me to tell you that Howard the Duck is the reason why a bad idea should stay a bad idea. In fact, shut your computers off and watch Guardians of the Galaxy instead.

(1 ½ Duck Titties out of 5) (It was either that or “Quiche Lorraine,” but “Duck Titties” sounded funnier and bore repeating. Duck titties.)

The first movie First Blood was a riveting survivor story and character study on a retired Green Beret questioning his existence. The sequel Rambo: First Blood Part II tosses aside the main character’s shellshock in favor of a crowd-pleasing, mindless, but fun action movie. John Rambo (Sylvester Stallone) is called into a mission from Colonel Trautman (Richard Crenna) and Major Marshall Murdoch (Charles Napier) to find the possible remaining prisoners of war in Vietnam. Then, the Soviet troops, who are in cahoots with the Vietcong soldiers, kidnap Rambo, but that doesn’t stop our muscle-clad hero as he escapes and returns the POW’s back to the Colonel. Usually when a sequel is released, it performs extraordinarily well in the box office despite being a terrible movie. Similarly, Rambo: First Blood Part 2 has that same inception, but it’s the type of movie to put your brain behind the door and have fun watching Stallone wielding a gun shirtless with explosions behind him. Unlike the more complex and unique predecessor and the book it’s based on, the sequel is riddled with mass explosions, Commies being shot in a line, clichéd dialogue, ridiculous weapons of choice including explosive arrows, and melodramatic death scenes. These moments make you totally forget that the prison guards did nothing to stop the military from breaking out Rambo in the first place. In other words, Rambo: First Blood Part 2 is the epitome of a popcorn movie, one that is spectacular, but no words of a vernacular will describe this great event, so the audience becomes dumb with wonderment. I can also tell you, it’s the best Worst Picture Razzie winner so far.

(3 1/2 Jade Necklaces out of 5)

The first time I saw the movie Bolero, I thought it was laughably incompetently awful. Now that I revisit the movie, as well as scan through John Derek’s filmography, I noticed one thing in common. All of his movies are schlocky low budget films about sexual fantasies or contrived romances usually starring his wife Bo Derek. Bolero is another entry, except it’s about a college graduate Mac (Bo Derek) who’s excited to travel around the world and lose her virginity to either a Moroccan sheik (Greg Benson) or a Spanish matador (Andrea Occhipinti). This movie is extravagantly well-known for its awkward sex scenes, overuse of extreme close-ups, horrific acting and even worse writing and direction from John Derek. The sheik’s storyline is entirely useless and only serves as the comic foil who drops asleep during sex and is forgotten for the most part. Angel the bullfighter is reduced to this one-dimensional hot bod who Mac ends up marrying at the end. Bo Derek, even though she does have an attractive body, is even worse as she delivers her husband’s dopey lines in that dorky plastered smile even during the most dangerous situations. Bolero is not a movie, but an excuse to incorporate a director’s wife in soft-core porn. This isn’t especially surprising considering Cannon Group’s sleazy reputation.

(1/2 Underage Nude Teen Girl out of 5)

To sum up this movie calmly and appropriately, The Lonely Lady is by far the crowning achievement of absolute horridness. However, as horrendous as the movie is, it was a blast to see how ludicrously laughably bonkers it got. Jerilee (Pia Zadora) is an aspiring screenwriter wanting to make it big in Hollywood, but her leap to success requires her to hop from bed to bed with producers, writers, and directors. Forgetting the fact that we never see what her literature or screenplays are about, this lady has some serious psychological issues. First of all, Jerilee gets raped and assaulted by Joe (Ray Liotta) with a garden hose and quickly marries Walter (Lloyd Bochner), which inspires some screwed up Lolita business, considering she must be at least in her teenage years (and the movie never mentions her age). Second, her husband freaks out over a tiny rewrite for a movie, so they divorce and she sleeps with another man (Anthony Holland) for revenge. Third, she gets pregnant and gets an abortion, which by the way, bitch delivery, lady. Fourth, instead of running home to San Fernando Valley and staying with her mother (Bibi Besch), this dumbass continues to prostitute herself for her quest to fame. Lastly, Jerilee has a mental breakdown, which sends her to a mental hospital, but that doesn’t stop her from happily rewriting her screenplay and winning an award for it. Talk about suspension of disbelief, I disbelieved her journey into the entertainment business and howled with laughter at the absurd feminist contrivance and inconsistent character flaws.

(1 Ray Liotta’s Garden Hose out of 5)